


I Regret Teaching Him This

by AlwaysFullyDressed, DaddySaysBow



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor Being a Jerk (Hazbin Hotel), Boredom, Established Relationship, F/M, M/M, Secret Relationship, Technology, Valentino Being a Jerk (Hazbin Hotel)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25572973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysFullyDressed/pseuds/AlwaysFullyDressed, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaddySaysBow/pseuds/DaddySaysBow
Summary: So sometimes teaching an old deer new tricks backfires. But what can ya do when he's bored? He wanted answers and I had one.He's your problem now.
Relationships: Alastor/Valentino (Hazbin Hotel)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	I Regret Teaching Him This

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who got Al to cowrite with me!  
> This guy!
> 
> First of the shit I got him to agree to. No idea how long it'll be but I got some shit to share. 
> 
> Lets share the fun babes

"I'm bored." 

"You've said that every ten minutes for the last three hours." The giant huffed from his desk, glancing at the sofa where a pair of fluffy ears were barely visible over the armrest.

"Well it hasn't changed! Aren't you supposed to entertain a guest?" Alastor's quip was automatic, borderline petulant. "You're a terrible host." 

"You invited yourself. Makes you more of an intruder than a guest." Valentino bit back, more involved in his work than thinking about his word choice. Until he heard the static take on a dark rumble. 

"Well then, I'll just see myself out-"

"Nono- fuck, no. Not what I meant!" The insect backtracked, upper arms raised in a peace signal, as he turned to see Alastor giving him a dark glare over the top of the couch. "It's just...I get it. It's boring while I work. But you've read every damn book I got, babe. If you don't want to watch TV what do you want me to do 'bout it?" 

"I don't know. But you always want me over here and it's just...boring." Alastor persisted, gesturing around the office with disdain. "I'm going stir crazy and you know what that does to me." 

"It makes you a bitch." Val deadpanned, choking on a chuckle at the wide eyed outrage that got him.

"Okay, okay, peace you brat." That only got him a narrowed look and he stood to slowly approach - stopping before he was truly looming over the smaller demon. 

"One more and I leave." Alastor warned, irate with the derogatory titles, and Valentino had the decency to nod. 

"Alright babe. I read ya, just...really. What do you want? Nothing I ever want to do is up your street. Unless-?" He gestured down himself with both right hands, offering with a lewd smile. There was always a slim chance after all-

"No." 

"Then what, bambi. This is it...books, television, wanna play a goddamn video game? Vox's old system is around here-"

"No."

The pimp sighed, frustration in his tone. It didn't help that one look at the deer showed he was enjoying being difficult. Successful in pulling him from his work. The little shit. 

"How about you do what I do when I'm bored?" He tried again, weary and biting back his own rising temper. Giving Alastor what he wanted would just be too satisfying and two could play at this. 

The deer tilted his head, calculating if that was another strange come on or a trick, before nodding slowly. "What would that be then? And none of your filth, please." 

"Oh no, it's nothing like that." Val considered, then amended. "Not exactly anyway. Where is your phone?" Beside Alastor he held out one hand, waiting and not at all surprised by the almost sheepish grin he received.

"I'm not quite sure! It became annoying and I...threw it off a bridge." Crossing his legs, nose in the air, the red demon looked almost prissy about the fact. 

"Babe. Al. Sweetie. You have to stop doing that. Just...silence the damn thing or something." 

"It's not the ringing that's the problem and you know it. I can hear every little...thing...it picks up on. Phones are just a distracting nuisance." Alastor countered with a flippant gesture and even if he had a point the insect still thought it childish to keep destroying them.

Grumbling under his breath he retrieved a new blank from his desk, using the code Velvet taught him to cue it to the old number he'd assigned Alastor with the practice of repetition. How many phones had this been? Six? Ten?

"Okay, look, I'll show you something to pass time." Alastor wuffed in annoyance when Val sat heavily beside him, making him bounce and glare but the pimp didn't care to address it. Pulling up a Twitter app he angled the phone at him. "See this? It's social media. You make an account, search for shit, and Bam. You'll never be bored again. Promise." 

Alastor took the phone with a skeptical look, raising a brow at the screen. "An account. Like a bank?"

"Oh for the love of...No. Not a bank account, a user account. How the fuck do you live like this? Fuckin' prehistoric…" Val snatched the phone back, minimizing the app and pulling up an email generator. "Okay, look. Pick a name for an email, then we'll use the same name on Twitter. So easy a grandpa can do it- okay, _grandpa._ " 

He had to duck back from a swiping, snarling Alastor as he took back the phone with a venomous glare. But it was only a moment and the deer was struggling with his gloved claws to type on the tiny keys. 

Valentino waited. And waited. 

"It says my name is taken. What's that mean?" Distracted and confused.

"Means someone is using what you typed. Pick another." 

More typing ensued, slow and methodical. 

Then more.

"Everything I want is used." The unusually tiny tone sounded so defeated Valentino laughed, patting Alastor's shoulder only to quickly retract his hand before those teeth clicked shut in an attempt to sever his wrist. 

"Just keep trying, babe. I'm sure you can find one you like." Clearly the laughter in his tone wasn't earning him any points so he pulled himself from the couch towards his side bar. Behind him there was a staticky huff and more soft typing, the vicious backtrack when denied, another attempt. A growl. 

Pouring them both a drink, making up an old fashioned for the deer, Valentino counted down in his head. 5...4...3...2…

"Why am I doing this? This is ridiculous! Why would other people be using my name? Any name? Aren't their own monikers good enough?! I just want…" Snarl. "This is just foolishness. Anyone posing as me on this social media has no idea how rude that is. A name is a man's reputation and they are falsifying my identity playing as me. I should hang everyone of them by their toes and-" Alastor's rant continued, the backdrop warble of static and interference dipping in peeks and groans around him as he continued to wrack his brain to find something to use. And why? Because Valentino said it might entertain him. Ludicrous!

Setting the drink next to the deer, the pimp just hummed a small note and went back to his desk. Knowing Alastor was far too classy to just go with 'Alastor3672' or something mundane this might take a while. 

Listening to the other Lord fume, he finally got some work done. 

\---

"Ha! Finally!" Alastor's far too proud declaration interrupted Valentino from reviewing a film clip, almost making him flinch. A glance at the time showed it had taken almost an hour for the deer to find his screen name. Holy shit. 

"Always admired your tenacity, sweetcheeks. What did ya pick?" He puffed his cigar, raising a brow when Alastor twisted aside as if to hide his phone.

"That's none of your business, my dear. Now, what do I do with it?" 

The pimp actually had to blink, fighting between bemused and affronted by the secrecy. Not that Alastor wasn't always secretive but sweet hell, he didn't even have anything to hide yet and he was already guarding his phone. 

"What, you pick 'BigDickDeer' or something? Maybe 'Val'sBabyDadd-" He ducked the thrown glass, laughing until he heard Alastor rise and stomp toward his bar.

"Nonono! Don't you dare throw that shit-" Alastor didn't lower the bottle of expensive scotch, raising one brow expectantly, "Sorry! I'm sorry. I just...it was funny. Sorry." 

"You're insufferable." The way he said it was almost sweet, bit through his teeth in such a fake tone that belied the ember glow of his eyes. 

"Yeah, but you love me for it." Checking that his computer took no damage Valentino missed the dramatic eye roll as Alastor instead poured himself a tall glass he drank from like it was water.

"I do nothing of the sort. Now. I have a crisp, new internet identity. Why did I do this again?" 

The giant very cautiously approached again, taking the phone from him in slow motions to pull back up Twitter. "Now just sign up here, follow the prompts, and have fun! Trust me, it's a blast. I can't get Velvet off the damn thing." 

"Oh that's encouraging." Alastor looked like he had changed his mind for all of a minute before setting back on the couch, back to Valentino and bobbing one foot in agitation. Typing.

As politely as he could the pimp waited, able to see the screens flash by in the reflection off Alastor's monocle as he created an account. This was almost more fun for him to just watch the deer struggle while pretending he knew what he was doing - really, how did someone live this long without learning new tech? At some point it went from old fashioned to just stubbornly, pig headed avoidance on principal. 

He could visibly watch Alastor taking in all the jargon and processing, but the audio of a few signal stalls and skips made it so much cuter.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Red eyes stayed on his phone.

"Like what?" Valentino feigned innocence, getting a scoff and dry look for his trouble.

"Like your thinking filthy things again. Take your sewage elsewhere." 

"I can promise I wasn't thinking anything sexy. Just watching my little deer join us in the new century~" And the ear bleeding screech of metallic static and punch to the gut was wholly worth the look of indignant outrage. Wheezing in place Valentino knew without opening his eyes Alastor was gone, all sounds and heavy presence of the powerful demon evaporating as he flickered away in shadow. 

At least he took his new phone with him.

~~~~~

Maybe it was to prove he wasn't incapable of learning something new, and maybe he was just that bored lately. Nothing really caught his interest the same way anymore and the hotel had turned into just another job where he was respected for his masterful inclusions but never quite welcome. Not that he blamed the demons downstairs but it had been a disappointment when the budding friendship had slammed into the ever present wall of fearful distrust. 

No matter the reason, after a scalding shower to reset the irritated grit of his jaw Alastor laid on his bed with every intention of figuring out this 'social media'. Ha! The term made him think more of painting society's innards across a canvas than any chat program. 

"It should be called a social interface, much more accurate. Or an electronic billboard." Musing aloud as his shadow, seated upright beside him, nodded in agreement.

Okay. He had a name and a rough idea of how to type in his entries~ Why did it want an image? An image of what?

The deer tapped onto a few profiles it recommended he 'follow' to see examples of what they used, snorting at bad artwork and abstract phrases on basic backgrounds he didn't see the value of.

"I think I can choose anything. Hm. Something that is _me_ …" Shadow brightened up, hands beside his face in several silly poses. "Nono...I'm not photographing myself. Or you." It deflated, flicking its ears at him when he chuckled. 

"The last thing I'm going to do is advertise my dip into this drivel." Eyes skirting the room he twisted off his bed to pick up the new mic head he was tuning up for the tower. "This could work. Short and sweet and representative, no?" 

A few minutes later and he was laid back on his bed, phone held above his face as he roughly learned how to crop and brighten a photo through the camera feature. He even added a bit of color!

"There! Far classier than what I've seen. Now, a simple background…" Tongue bit between his teeth he had to admit this was a tiny bit of fun. Alastor, the great Radio Demon, lost in an incognito account amongst millions of others.

Showing off his choices, his shadow gave him a comically huge double thumbs up. 

Now to write something...hm. Almost at once he drew a blank, not sure what it was anyone ever wrote on the internet. Had he really never seen a post? Wracking his mind to the news and what he'd heard locally...no. This was foreign space. Cyber space!

"Let's put that to later. What should we look up?" The chaotic thoughts in his head doubled, feedback from his shadow suggesting just as many off the wall and mundane things as he was sorting through. With a jerk of thought he broke it off and settled on something easy. 

_Fine cuisine_.

Maybe Twitter had a few recipes he'd never tried?

Alastor felt his static cut to a standstill by the sheer number of posts returned, eyes wide as he scrolled. In and out of posts, learning the little symbols let him either save, or share, or simply comment on those he tapped. Goodness there were a lot of options...was this what one did? Post pictures of things they made, begging attention for a cooked meal?

At least the advertisements made sense. This had business benefits after all. But why were so many posts labeled for topside eateries? Were sinners reminiscing or just sharing updates on the culture…

Wait.

WWaitwaitwait. Hold the damn trolly. 

Heedless of the time he snapped himself dressed, glanced in the mirror, and then stepped through the shadows into Valentino's office. Which was empty. Well shoot. 

Another flicker into his penthouse and his steps carried him towards the giant's bedroom door, ajar and inviting, before his ears caught up to the sounds of-

"Oh good heavens!" That was a _lot_ of lavender skin. Too much! Far, far too much.

Spinning on his heel he refused to meet the red eyes that winked at him over one shoulder, striding back into the living room. Staring at one fabulously decorated wall - weren't you supposed to pick only one animal print? - he covered his mouth in one hand, rocking on his heels. 

Feeling his ears burn in a blush he raised the sound waves around him, picking a particularly jaunty jazz, to cover the sounds of vocal debauchery in the other room. 

At least he wasn't waiting long, or he assumed he wasn't. Three songs played, giving him plenty of time to restore his nonplussed expression before he felt the heavy steps of the too-tall insect behind him.

"I'd thank you not to touch me." Alastor raised a hand, turning cautiously until he could confirm that yes, Valentino had donned a robe. The pimp looked almost smug, arms crossed and canted on one hip.

"Dont worry Bambi, I won't get my nasty sex germs on you." He laughed, manifesting a cigar to puff far too self satisfied for the deer's taste.

"Wonderful." He forced his brightest grin, listening to the scramble of the woman in the other room get dressed. "You know, I wasn't aware you still-"

"I still what?"

"Did... _that_. With our arrangement I had thought perhaps you weren't still…"

"Fucking my whores? Oh babe~ morning, noon, and nightly! Why the hell wouldn't I? You told me nothing changed after our vows and it lets me keep _some_ level of chill around your sweet ass." The laugh was condescending and Alastor glowered, not at all pleased when Valentino just waved a hand at him. "Your own fault just waltzing in. Try knocking if you don't want to see me, hey, knocking boots." 

Sex apparently made him even more cheeky.

"This is the last time I visit this floor then."

"Might as well count the whole Studio, Red. You think I haven't used every couch or desk in-"

" _Why_ are you _trying_ to disgust me?" Bitten out through a bared teeth smile, Alastor was trying not to give in to utter repulsion at just standing there. Note to self, bring his own chair and never touch anything again. Ever. Who knows where half those harlots had been, or the King of filth. 

"'Cuz you only got one button, and by hell I'm gonna push the fuck outa it." Valentino had a fair point, but Alastor just tucked his hands behind his back, pretending it wasn't as infuriating as it was. "So was there a reason you-"

"Uh, Sir? Should I go-?" The pimp was interrupted by the blue skinned beauty in his door, leaning half cautiously out to see them. She may have addressed her boss but her wide eyes locked onto Alastor with a stunned horror.

Valentino sighed. "Well shit~"

"Oh yes, dear. You are quite excused." Alastor gestured to the door, eyes narrowed until the girl started her dart for freedom. His shadow met her halfway and the crunch as she splattered on the wall, tackled by the inky wisp, sent blood in waves across the ceiling and floor. The pretty whore likely never felt her demise, less than recognizable chunks in only a moment, but Valentino whined a small, disappointed note.

"I liked her~ such a pretty little ass she had. Looked good in tights too, do you know how hard it is to find furred legs that work with tights?" 

"You know the rules. Should have closed the door." Alastor took the steps to peer down at the mess, watching his specter self gorge on the torn viscera with a gleeful, toothy grin. 

"Yeah, yeah~ still a damn waste." Valentino agreed, dismissing his interest in the girl just as easily. "So, why the interruption again? Not that you ain't welcome but I thought we were done today."

"Oh!" Alastor turned on a heel, fishing the phone from his pocket. "This~ Did...Is Twitter…" It felt preposterous to ask, but he just had to know. "I noticed quite a few very mundane images and I was curious~ Is Twitter connected topside?" 

"You're asking if them people are still living?" The pimp chuckled, taking a drag and blowing a ring at the deer. His impatient curiosity was adorable. "Yeah, yeah it is. Velvet got some meat suits to brand some towers. Our net is full live, baby!"

"You're serious."

"Totally."

"Earth side. Living world communication."

"In the plastic, touch screen flesh. Yeah." Valentino laughed when Alastor all but cradled the phone in his hands, staring with wide glee. "That getting your rocks off, talking to humans?"

"Yes! Do you know how rarely I-! I haven't gone topside in years!" Well that peaked Valentino's interest but he wasn't going to pry right this second. What did he mean, years? He shouldn't have been out since he died!

"Okaaay, I'm gonna pretend you aren't spouting some exorcism shit and rain on your parade a bit. C'mere.." Alastor wasn't listening, babbling on about his excitement and whatever else was so damn interesting to him, but he still leaned near 90 degrees to avoid the hand Valentino tried to herd him with. Like a force field the giant used proximity and not contact to guide the smaller demon towards the bar.

"Hey, babe. Al. _Alastor!_ " He snapped his fingers, getting a tiny, manic grin under sparkling eyes that almost made him reconsider. "Drink, now." Pressing a bottle of rum into Alastor's chest he deftly traded it for his phone.

"I don't need a drink, my dear."

Holding the phone up out of reach the insect pointed at the bottle, other arms folded sternly. "Oh yeah ya do. Drink and I'll show you why."

"This is not necce-"

"Drink!"

Alastor blinked, narrowed his eyes and decided it was a battle not worth fighting. He unscrewed the cap, took a long hard swig of the rum with a pointed look, not stopping until Valentino whistled. "Damn Al, what else can you chug?" 

Something in that felt like an innuendo but Alastor let it go. "Drinking with Husker comes in handy. _Now_ , I drank. Why are you holding my phone instead of me." He pointed at it, hand open and expectant, only to furrow his brows when Valentino half handed it back. Holding the top hostage.

"Look up your name on Twitter." 

Confused, Alastor navigated to the necessary search bar, tapping in his name with a certain expectation that was immediately shattered. He expected nothing from earth, maybe bits of news from hell, but what he saw was- well…

"What in flaming _hell_ is this?!"

"It's called a fanbase. A rabid one to be exact because your ass is _smoking_ , sweetcheeks." Valentino smugly scrolled the phone upside down, already knowing the insanity he was showing off. "Which _might_ be why you had a hard time with screen names. But it's still fun! I dive in all the damn time."

Alastor didn't have words, just a building, indistinct static of personal outrage and horror because what he _saw_ was a lot of him and random people. Intimately. _Touching_.

"How... _why?!_ " He choked out, more distortion than words. 

"I dunno," an uncaring shrug that made Alastor's eye twitch, "But things cross the streams, you know? Someone grabbed at Hell's threads and spun a tale and now you got game, babe. Betting ol' Luni is behind it, myself… But uh, figured you should know, right?" 

The unreadable look he got didn't warn him for Alastor suddenly taking another long drink and snatching his phone fully back, shooting him a scorching look of irritation and _disappearing_. 

Well...he didn't look flattered. No surprise there.  
"Welcome to the internet, Bambi."

~~~~~


End file.
